


Anecdote

by PaintedVanilla



Series: days on end [11]
Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Internal Monologue, Resentment, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-03
Updated: 2017-05-03
Packaged: 2018-10-27 19:05:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaintedVanilla/pseuds/PaintedVanilla
Summary: Dolley used to love John more than anything. She used to do most things for John and about John and because of John.





	Anecdote

Dolley can’t hear anything that’s coming out of her best friend’s mouth.

Martha has been talking for maybe five minutes now, but Dolley hasn’t heard anything she’s said. She’s telling some anecdote from her date with Thomas two nights ago that Dolley is certain was funny when it happened, but doesn’t stand up well being told as a story after the fact. Despite this, and the fact that she has no idea what she’s saying, Dolley is smiling and nodding like she understands perfectly. In all honestly, she hates everything about the conversation they’re having.

Well, that’s not entirely true; she doesn’t _hate_ Thomas and Martha, or their relationship, but she’s grown to resent it quite a bit in the past few months. She doesn’t necessarily _want to,_ but they’re engaged and clearly happy and Dolley is the opposite. She’s been dating John Todd for three years, and he’s never once brought up the idea of getting married, insinuated that they would ever one day have a wedding, or suggested that he might propose to her. He’s also been cheating on her for several months.

Dolley knows her resentment for Martha and Thomas stems from her burning hatred for her boyfriend, which only makes her feels worse. She didn’t always hate him; in fact she loved him for much once upon a time. Everyone _else_ loves him, but then again he hasn’t been cheating on everyone _else_ for a year and a half. Martha loves him (because she thinks he’s good to Dolley) and her parents love him (because he’s Taiwanese and a boy and the son they've always wanted) and Dolley _used_ to love him because he was better than her last boyfriend and he was sweet to her and he’s never done anything to hurt her.

Dolley, in fact, used to love John more than anything. She used to do most things for John and about John and because of John. She _still_ does do most things for and about and because of John, but that doesn’t necessarily mean she loves it, or loves him. Maybe she didn’t even used to love doing everything for him, but she used to love _him_ , and that was enough. Now it’s morphed into a bad habit that she can seem to drag herself out of, because if she stops giving everything to him, doesn’t that just give him a reason to want someone else?

Dolley has never been able to put a finger on _why_ he wants someone else; why he seeks warm bodies in place of hers. She must have done something, though, because he actively seeks out other woman. She’s ran through every scenario she could possibly come up with; is he unsatisfied with their sex life? Dolley has never refused John sex once. Is he upset because they don’t live together? She’s mentioned on multiple times she would be willing to live with him, but he always waves her off. She’s never complained about anything he’s ever done to her. Every time she doesn’t orgasm, she keeps her mouth shut. Every time he makes her feel like shit, she keeps her mouth shut. Every time he drops plans last minute, she keeps her mouth shut. He’s been cheating on her for over a year, and she’s kept her mouth _shut._ Did she do something wrong? Did she upset him? How could she have upset him if she not only did everything he wanted, she did _more?_ He’s never expressed discomfort in the way she decided to do things; he’s never even brought it up. Dolley doesn’t even know if he’s _noticed_ she lets him get his way all the time.

Martha and Thomas’ relationship is perfect; well, it’s not _perfect_ , no relationship is, but it’s better than Dolley’s. Thomas doesn’t cheat on Martha. If he did, Martha would probably kill him, not sit idly by and just hope that one of these days he stops. They live together, they have a good sex life, they’re clearly in love with each other. They’re everything Dolley wants, and she resents them for it, and for that she hates herself. She would give anything for someone to look at her the same way Thomas looks at Martha. Thomas looks at Martha like she’s everything good in the world; like she’s the love of his life and he’s thankful beyond words that she agreed to marry him. Nobody’s ever looked at Dolley like that. John never looked at her like that, even when she still loved him. Even back when she would do anything in the world for him, he never gave the slightest indication that he would do the same for her. John looks straight through Dolley.

 

Sometimes, a long time ago, she could forget. She could look at him and only see the man she loved, and not the man who was having affairs. Sometimes she could kiss him and lay with him and sit across from him on dates and only be filled with love for this man. John was everything to her; the fact that he’d slept with other women could sometime be shoved aside, into the corners of her mind, where it could be ignored and she could be happy.

Dolley awoke one morning, sunlight streaming in through the blinds and John’s arms wrapped around her waist, and she was positively seething. He was pressing kisses into her shoulder, soft and sweet in the morning air, and she wanted to scream. How _dare_ he touch her. How _dare_ he think he deserved this beautiful moment, to wake up tangled together in bed with her when he has spent so many nights chasing after other girls and showing them to his bed. Dolley wanted to roll over and Dolley wanted to shove him off of her and off the bed and out of her life. Dolley wanted nothing more in that moment than to scream and kick and tear him from her life like a loose string from a gown.

Dolley did none of that. Dolley stayed quiet. Dolley accepted the kisses. Dolley had sex with him.

That was nearly six months ago; she knows she hasn’t loved him since she woke up that morning. She knows she will never love him again. Every waking moment is filled with resentment and bitterness and a hissing anger that boils just beneath her skin, hot to the touch and bad for her mind.

Suddenly, Martha laughs, and Dolley is pulled from her thoughts; Martha is clearly remembering the climax of the story Dolley hasn’t been listening to, because she can’t collect herself enough to speak. Finally, she wipes her eyes and says, “Isn’t that just so funny?”

Dolley smiles and nods.

Martha clears her throat, “Anyways,” she pauses, still smiling, “How are you and John?”

Dolley doesn’t hesitate, “We’re great.”


End file.
